What Would I Do If I Won the Lottery?

What would I do if I won the lottery? During holidays when the lottery jackpot rolled over and grew large, we’d spend hours talking about this topic. Uncles and aunts who would normally get heated about criticizing the president or society would, on those holidays, reveal dreams they’d kept tucked away in their hearts. The room would fill with brighter laughter and energy floating like clouds. That’s why I preferred holidays with lottery drawings. Listening to everyone’s stories, I’d wonder, ‘What were my great-uncle’s childhood and my aunt’s twenties like?’ Sometimes I’d actually ask. When I heard the adults’ stories from their younger days, they seemed to come alive for me—from conceptual figures to real people. Surprisingly, dreams of being Gangnam building owners were rare. The adults’ dreams were more about time and life.

During the year before I quit school, I went to PC bangs every weekend. After finishing lab work on Fridays, I’d breathe in the night air, enter the PC bang, play games warmly through the cold dawn, and finally leave around sunrise. The PC bang was in the basement, and there was a convenience store on the first floor. Breathing in the Saturday morning air after leaving the convenience store, we’d buy banana milk, ice cream, and lottery. During the thirty-some minutes walking back to the dorm from the convenience store, the engineering students would either calculate this week’s winning amount as a probability or (naturally) talk about what we’d do if we won. Every week, our wishes changed according to what we’d just experienced. Over that year, my friends won fifth place several times, but I never won once. Feeling spiteful, I calculated the probability once and found the odds of not winning for a year were quite high, so I soon accepted it. After a year of losses, I stopped buying lottery tickets. Though I never earned a penny from the lottery, the time I spent thinking about what I’d do if I won had a big impact on me. For quite a while, I became someone (somewhat rude) who asked questions like, “Would you still do what you’re doing now if you won the lottery?”

Asking these questions to myself or to my partner was sometimes dangerous. Questions like “Would you keep seeing me even if you had a lot of money?” could make things awkward when asked to the other person. Sometimes, even when I had no big complaints, when I asked “Would I still come here if I won the lottery?” complaints would grow. After asking that question, it didn’t take long to decide to quit. This was especially true since I was someone who generally thought time was more precious than money. Looking back, it’s meaningful to gradually eliminate things where the answer to these questions is no. The more no’s I have, the more I’m swayed by money. Would I still take public transportation if I had unlimited money? Would I still clean if I could hire household help every day? Would I still live where I live now if I could live anywhere? For me, the answers to these questions are no, and I feel regret to the extent of those no’s.

But sometimes the answer is yes. Would I still code if I won the lottery? Would I keep writing if a building appeared in Gangnam? Would I still play League if I won the lottery? Would I still only wear jeans and hoodies if I became a trillionaire? The answers to these questions are yes, and I’m happy to the extent of that number.